Subconscious
by Alanna official
Summary: Based of the 4X12 philinda sneak peek. They're in the library, together, alone and he's looking at her like she holds the world in her hands. How she wishes she could resist that look, that it wouldn't have the effect over her that it does.


**Author's Note**

 **So I told my friend about my theory after watching that philinda sneak peek and this fic happened. Kinda angsty but I hope you guys enjoy :)**

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Her heart is pounding in her chest and she can scarcely breath with the anticipation weighing so heavily on her. They're standing so close together, just mere inches separating them from one another. She can practically feel the heat from his body from across the short space spanning them, so close and yet so far. Fighting the urge to wet her lips her eyes drift down to his mouth, thinking about what it might be like to kiss him. It's hard to focus on looking him in the eye when all she can think about is what it would be like to feel his lips on hers, what he might taste like. He's looking at her intently, blue eyes warm and inviting, soft pink lips daring her to kiss him. A small part in the back of her mind is saying that this is wrong, she shouldn't be doing this because she's going to end up hurting him, but she can't stop herself. She wants him, badly, and it's too hard for her to fight it. Why should she deny herself something that she's wanted for so long? Maybe it's more than her feelings though, is this Radcliffe's programming coming into play? If only she knew, if she could separate the two from each other.

Then they're moving even closer together and he's looking at her in a way that's making her feel warm inside. His eyes glance down to her lips as she tilts her face up towards him. She would do anything for him, and yet she can't stop herself from doing this. Why can't they have a little happiness though? Because you aren't real that small part in the back of her mind tells her. In the end it's only going to ruin things but when it comes to Phil she's always been weak. Incapable or unwilling to say no to him. When it comes to anything related to him she ends up letter her heart rule her head. Like a fool in love. But she doesn't even have a heart, she is not real, not even alive. She wants to tell him the truth so badly, wishes she could, but she can't. Or won't.

He's leaning in closer down towards her and and she's moving closer to him. Her heart desperately wants him to kiss her but her head is screaming at her to run. Get as far away as she possibly can before she ends up destroying him and anyone else in her path. But she's frozen in place and moving closer to him. His chest is practically brushing against hers and she can feel his warm breath ghosting over her face as they are but centimetres apart. Keeping her hands by her sides, she resists the urge to touch him further, to slide them up his chest and loop around his neck pulling his lips closer towards hers. He's looking at her with those twinkling blue eyes and her eyes are about to flutter shut as he moves ever increasingly closer to her, their lips practically brushing against one another before he is gone and her heart plummets in disappointment, stomach swirling with the aching feeling of rejection. His cheek presses to hers, his warm breath whispering against the shell of her ear as he reaches for something on the shelf behind her. She tries to hide her disappointment from her face and act like she wasn't just expecting him to kiss her just then. That small part in the back of her mind is telling her it's for the best but she can't help but feel like he's rejected her. Did he even want to kiss her at all? Has she been misreading all the signals?

"Got it," he breathes softly and she just wants to lean into him but he is pulling away from her now.

Seeing what is in his hand she suddenly goes rigid as she realises what it is. The Darkhold. For some reason she has a desire to hold it, it's probably better for Phil anyway, if he doesn't have the book then he won't be a target. His safety is always her number one priority. Even if he doesn't feel the same way about her.

"May, take it," he holds out the brown satchel with the book inside it to her.

Her hands itch to take it from him but that small part in the back of her mind is telling her that it is a very bad idea. She should definitely not touch that book. Looking at him with a question in her eyes he holds it out trying to push it into her hands a little.

"Take it May, you're the only one I trust," he tells her with those twinkling blue eyes that she'd do anything for.

For once in her life she wishes he wouldn't trust her so. Her whole being is so desperate to take that book from him and because of that she knows she should not. It's impossible to refuse him, she wants to tell him no, she shouldn't, but her voice won't work. Pleading with her dark eyes, she tries to convey to him all that she cannot say, all that she cannot tell him. Don't. Don't give me that book. A barely imperceptible shake of her head is all she manages but it is enough. He looks at her with confusion in his eyes.

"May?" He asks, concern evident in his voice. "Are you alright?"

"I-" she wants to say more but she can't.

She's never been particularly great with words but they are failing her so spectacularly in this moment, she's sure it can't be just her. There is more to it. She tries to speak again and her voice cracks, not in a natural way, more like when someone adjust the connection between the mic and the speakers causing the sound to crackle. There is a frown now knitting his brows together and that small tiny part in the back of her mind wants to tell him the truth but the rest of her won't allow it. No, she's not alright. Everything is wrong. It's not supposed to be like this.

"May?" He asks breaking the silence between them as she wars with herself.

It's almost as if his voice snaps that link between her and that niggling part in the back of her mind.

"I'm fine," she tells him, voice now confident and devoid of any unnatural crackling sounds.

She gives him a small tentative smile trying to appease his looks at her for a moment before handing the book out to her again. Taking it from him his hands she blinks twice looking down at the item in her hands. So many people have been fighting over this, wreaking so much hell because of it. They should destroy it so that no one can ever read it again, end this madness once and for all. She knows she should, knows deep down inside that it is the right thing to do, but for some reason she doesn't want to do any of that, but keep it to herself.

"Come on," she steps away from him holding the book closer to her, "I-we need to go."

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 **A/N**

 **Comments are greatly appreciated, please let me know what you thought. I'm also always open to prompts if there is anything you guys would like me to write. Philinda is my life.**


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